[ Mr Lambert has a LOT to answer for ]
We have now arrived at a point where so many unexplained events suddenly make complete and utter sense. And all of this has come to light since TGBCH ran into financial problems. Of course, there had been a few rumours floating around….. but at long last, these have finally been confirmed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen…… everything is Ian Lambert’s fault.
On this truly momentous day, I can now officially reveal that all negative aspects of life have this man at the very heart of them. And the full blame lies entirely at his feet.
Here are just a few examples of what Ian is fully to blame for –
The End of the Jurassic Age
When Ian Lambert was shaving one morning he inadvertently cut his chin. This immediately caused a cataclysmic event which rocked the very fabric of time itself. As a direct result of this, ALL dinosaurs immediately keeled over and died. Even though he has now permanently switched to a Remington cordless, it is simply far too late for thousands of giant lizards :(
The Cure for Cancer
Scientists would in fact have cured ALL forms of cancer over twenty years ago if it hadn’t of been for Mr Lambert. Unfortunately one July morning he had the bright idea of getting his lawn mower out of the garden shed – and that stuffed the whole thing in a heartbeat.
Current World Leaders
Yes, if it hadn’t been for Ian rolling over in bed two years ago then neither Donald Trump or Boris Johnson would ever have risen to power. At this point in time, Britain would actually be ruled by a Labour government who would have gone on to raise the minimum wage to £45.70 per hour and make homelessness an occupation reserved only for bankers.
The Scarcity of the Kew Gardens 50p
Until Ian Lambert tied his shoelaces, it was written in the stars that the mintage of 2009 Kew Gardens would be a whopping 21,000,000. However, on the day that he did this it caused two zeros to instantly disappear from the mintage figure. And THAT is why it is now so bloody hard to find :(
The Great Bedding Dilemma
Up until 1764, duvet covers were an absolute doddle to change. And this was because they were trained to receive even the chunkiest of winter quilts with minimal effort. A simple whistle would cause the bedding to change itself without any need for human contact at all. Much to everyone’s disgust, this came to an end when Ian poured himself a glass of Orangina. So next time you struggle with your bedding, make sure you direct some really bad cuss words at Ian.
And there we have it; just a few illustrations of why Mr Ian P Lambert is to blame for absolutely EVERYTHING that ever went wrong in the world – past, present and future.
Or perhaps…… I am being just a little bit sarcastic and think it is probably about time that a few folk gave him a break. I will leave you to decide on the truth. And some of this will depend on how good you are at sniffing out sarcasm :)
But for God's sake.... DO NOT give this man your support or click on this link...
© Article and images (except where stated) copyright Mik Smith 2019