Why Ian Lambert is to blame for EVERYTHING – Part Two

[ Give this guy a wide berth...... ]

[ Give this guy a wide berth...... ]

 

Some more examples of why Ian Lambert is a Jonah and should be avoided at all costs –

Most Celebrity Deaths
The chances are, when a famous rock star moves on to ‘the great gig in the sky’, it will be for one of three reasons –
1 – Ian attended one of their recent concerts
2 – Ian sold them one of his ‘Mystery Parcels’ (complete with vintage prints)
3 – They recently viewed one of Ian’s live streams.
Such are the terrifying jinxing capabilities of the accursed Mr Lambert.
 
The Moon Landings
Sure, we all know that the 1969 moon landings were, in fact, created in a film studio.  But, until now, no-one knew why……
This came about because, at six years old, Ian Lambert had a burning desire to visit Hollywood.  The film makers there were so concerned about this that they decided to take action.  After all, if he did visit they knew they’d be saddled with bad luck for the rest of their days as a consequence!  Therefore they quickly mackled together a staged landing so the little scallywag would just watch it all on TV instead and stay the hell away.
 
The Sad Tale of King Canute
At his baptism Cnut received the name of Lambert.  BIG mistake!
Following a period of illness, Canute died on November 12, 1035, at Shaftesbury while on an inspection tour of England; chances are he was considering the prospect of setting up his own coin store online which The Royal Mint would flat out refuse to trade with. 
And we all know how that one is likely to pan out :/
 
Stonehenge
Another of Ian’s ancestors was directly involved in the construction of Stonehenge….. or what was supposed to have been ‘Stonehall Retail Centre’ – the largest shopping centre in the world at that time.  And it was because of the Lambert influence that everyone else decided to pull out of the project.
This is why ‘Stonehenge’ as we know it today is only one storey high.
After a spate of ‘nasty accidents with large, bone-crushing rocks’, the majority of workers opted to bugger off after completing the first level.  Shame that.  It could have been something so much greater :(
 
The Bruce Lee Connection
Whilst filming ‘Enter the Dragon’ in 1973, martial arts legend Bruce Lee died on-set.  Since this time there has been much discussion about the ‘Lee Family Curse’, especially after his son Brandon also tragically died during the making of The Crow.
However, the truth is that Bruce had unwisely put in an order for Alphabet 10p’s with TGBCH between takes.  Therefore it is actually the ‘Lambert Family Curse’ which is to blame.
 
The Death of JFK
Yup, John F Kennedy was assassinated in 1963 – the same year that saw the birth of Ian Lambert…..
Do I really need to explain the rest? 
Whilst mingling with the happy crowds, JFK had seen and gooed over Baby Lambert in his pram shortly before joining his motorcade.  Therefore JFK’s demise was nothing to do with Lee Harvey Oswald, the CIA or anyone else…. other than our very own Ian.  Baby Lambert may only have been a few weeks old, but his powers of jinxfulness were already a fearsome thing.

 

  Stay tuned folks for more shocking truths about the world you thought you understood.  And remember, until the next time, DO NOT click on this link and help Ian Lambert with his

TGBCH CROWDFUNDER CAMPAIGN

You would only be making things worse!

 

 

© Article and images (except where stated) copyright Mik Smith 2019

 

4 comments

  • Cannot believe Ian just launched the bomb on Iran today, either. An absolutely vile man.

    Benjamin Closier
  • The US government had been ready to give full disclosure on the existence of alien beings for years (even ‘ET: The Extra-terrestrial’ had been released to get people ready). Back in 2016 the president was preparing a speech where he would let the world know that not only were aliens REAL, but they had already landed. But just before he was due to appear on TV with this ground-breaking news he happened to come across some guy selling coins on his YouTube channel. Shortly after seeing this he came to the conclusion that collecting Olympic fifty pences was far more important than letting everyone know about little green men. Great. Nice one Ian!

    #ianputaspannerintheworks
    #lambertstuffsthings
    #curseoflambert
    #iblameian

    Rita Roswell
  • Are these people REAL?

    ron beynon
  • I bought some of those prints my wife framed them and put them on the wall and they was those massive bunny rabbits playing snooker and cricket

    Anyway one fell off the wall as she was putting it up and because they are massive prints the frame was big and heavy the wife screamed and her her hand which was holding the hammer shot out and hit me in the bollocks boy did I scream a few obscenities at that Ian guy

    I was steadying the wife at the time from behind but it didn’t stop there, I was holding a cold Guinness in my other hand I’d just picked it up for a quick sip as you do. Well I got the hammer in the nuts and the Guinness went straight down the back of her Christmas Rudolph jumper the grandkids bought her for Christmas

    She had such a jolt she turned round and pushed me back, I fell over the chair the glass smashing against the sideboard and I went backwards into the tree, we had all the tinsel and lights coming from all the corners of the room and meeting at the top of the tree and the fucking lot came down on top of me

    The cat jumped out the way and went straight through the open window, we live on the tenth floor so now my cat is dead and my wife said I’m not getting my Christmas nookie because she has a sore big toe

    He well and truly fucked my Christmas with his bunny prints that at first I quite liked but now I just want to rip them to bits what’s left of them after the carnage

    I absolutely agree #iansacunt #blameian #fuckingprints

    An irate customer

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